Stormy Weather

For the record, peri-menopause sucks. You know, for the first year of it, you think you’re just going mad, and wonder when’s a good time to call a psychiatrist. Then you figure out you’re just hormonal, and you can start to laugh it off. But the problem is that it keeps changing the rules without consulting you. Just when you think you’ve got the whole thing under control, it finds some new way to torture you. After eight years of it, I thought I had it pretty well sussed, but I’ve had some doozy hormonal storms lately. My goal is always to appear normal during them, but it’s not always possible with these super-storms. Here’s a little reflection on my day today…

 

 

Rage.

Pure,

White,

All-consuming.

I force myself to polite distance.

I do not look into

Anyone’s eyes.

I speak in short words.

I eat little,

Taking small bites,

Chewing slowly.

 

I am afraid

The rage will burst out

If I open my mouth.

If I allow myself to feel

Anything.

 

I scream

All day

Behind closed lips.

Only the straight jacket

Of iron will

Forcing me to smile

And speak softly

To the children.

 

I wait,

Knowing the rage is not mine

Knowing it will burn off

In a hot flash

Or dissipate

While I have my back turned.

Leaving me wasted,

Fragile,

Supported only by the taught nerves

It left behind.